When I decided that`s enough

It took years to receive the actual diagnosis. It was a slow progression of forgetfulness. When we went to Dr. Amos (neurologist) It was when we found out for sure. Rick couldn’t pass the Mini Mental State Exam. He couldn’t draw a clock. He couldn’t remember the 3 words…Light – Pen – Watch.

I always ask myself if we had found this before, could we have changed anything? I don’t know but I suggest that if you think that you have any probability of someone close to you that shows these symptoms look for a neurologist immediately.

Well we are 9 years into the disease now and sometimes he calls me mom. Very sexy right? My dear husband is calling me mom.

I have to help him in the bathroom (I will spare you the details, I refuse to write about it) and help him take his pills (I try to give every vitamin or supplement that I find that is good for fighting Alzheimer’s or the brain. So there are about 10 pills in the morning and another 10 in the afternoon).

I also help him shower (he doesn’t want to take off  his clothes, everything hurts, the water is too cold or is too hot and It is supposedly killing him).

I must remember his songs (his songs, that he wrote, and I must sing with him so he remembers some parts and sing along, by the way, he stills remember how to play his guitar very well).

I put on his pajamas (he doesn’t want to change ever and you know sometimes I am so tired I let him sleep with his jeans on and brush his teeth, and floss (flossing is the same as death! Impossible, he hates me so much when I do it) pretty much everything.

We never had kids, but now I have a “2” year old kid (Rick). I cry all the time and sometimes, try not to cry in front of him and  I try to laugh with him and say that he is still sweet and caring. I know that he loves me so much and I love him too. But try to put yourself in my shoes. I am an open book.

Since the brain bleed in March of 2016, it has been incredibly difficult. I can’t see clearly the progression because I am here every day but every minute he gets worse and I know things will get so much worse. It’s so hard to accept. Why doesn’t anyone have a cure yet? Every clinical trial is just for mild Alzheimer’s. Scientists have found a cure for Aids! We now seem to have a way to treat Cancer and things are improving. Am I just doomed to suffer and continue losing the love of my life?