So those of you who know me know that I’m a pleaser, a co-dependent, a doormat and pushover, a good babysitter and nurturer. Lately I get a lot of advice on how to take control of my life. I should stop all the crazy things that I do like; overspending on my credit cards, obsessively cleaning my house, cleaning out my closets and changing the furniture around. I still bite the skin around my nails until they are bloody and I’m on an anti-depressant and the doctor said that it would make me stop but it hasn’t. People who know me understand that I am a fixer. I think the reason why I obsessively clean and try to have order in my house is because I want order or consistency in my life. Rick and I were happy for 30 years because we used to try to set each others expectations. But now there’s no way to expect anything but loss. I tried therapy but I was telling the therapist what she wanted to hear and not what was really bugging me. I get these characteristics from my father. I am exactly like him. He always wanted to keep order and avoid drama even though my mother was a huge drama. I am terrible at being confrontational. The reason for this blog today is that I realize that I am spending, cleaning obsessively, and organizing my closet to try and have order because I can’t fix Rick. It drives me nuts that I can’t fix it. All I read and hear is that It’ll only get worse. Whenever I think things are bad, they will get worse. This disease only gets worse, relentless as they say. In the beginning I had this compulsion to fix him. I can’t fix it. I am supposed to accept the things I cannot change right? I think the reason for my compulsive behavior is that I can’t do anything. I am all or nothing kind of person. Living with Rick having Alzheimer’s is like being in limbo where the outlook is only bleak. It’s hard to accept for someone who solves peoples problems for a living. It’s tough to make myself believe that there is no hope and no cure. By the time they come up with a cure, it’ll be too late. It’s already too late. Things aren’t going to get better. “Renee….Stop living in a fantasy! Renee get real!” It’s hard to accept. I am living a bad dream every day watching my loved one slip away. I have to keep adjusting to the changes in the disease. I am at the mercy of Alzheimer’s and it sucks! I am angry, frustrated and the only thing that I can think of to do is shop or clean or walk or organize. I really need to take up drinking.
like the song Edie Brickell wrote says “choke me in the shallow water, before I get too deep.”