Like Romeo and Juliet, our love is so strong that it is killing me to watch my love dying and I want him and myself released from this suffering.
Rick has a cold and it’s making things 10 times harder. He is more disoriented than ever. He keeps doing this hallucinating thing where he’s reaching out to something that he thinks that he sees. It scares me. Plus he is having issues in the bathroom and its worse. Faby tells me that I shouldn’t hold the tissue to help him blow his nose, that I should make him do it himself, train his brain to do it himself. She’s right. If I baby him too much, he won’t do anything by himself anymore. But I just get impatient and wipe his nose because he can’t do it himself properly. He has all this mucus and coughs and then swallows it and doesn’t know to spit it out. I have been getting mad at him because he’s so much worse with this cold. He doesn’t understand anything that I am saying…do you have to pee? He answers those guys told me to go over there. Are you hungry? He says we can just go right there or he grabs something totally unrelated and says this is what we can do or some gibberish words that don’t make sense. Help!
I tried to play guitar with him Saturday night and he was doing it but had forgotten a lot and he just stopped playing so I gave up. One friend said “Do you know he’s getting worse right”? Another one “Do you know he’s really bad”? Of course I know.
But I don’t want to see it. There’s nothing I can do, they see it of course I see it. I have had this cold too, longer than Rick. I have had mine for 4 weeks now and at this point both of my ears are infected and I’m almost completely deaf. I’m on antibiotics that aren’t working and Mucinex and Sudafed and and and.. It’s like can anything make my life worse. Even when I think, it can’t get worse, it does. And as everyone seems to point out to me, it will get even worse. I feel that’s it… I could die now. I have had enough… He has had enough. That’s it.
Pulling myself together… Things like a cold or the time change or anything different really affects a person with AD. I know that when we changed the clocks last year and it was dark Rick was really freaked out. It’s so dark, it’s weird. We can all see the changes in him. I often think what did I do to deserve this. I guess I am meant to suffer.. But is it worth it? I’m not sure. I’m on an antidepressant but I’m still depressed. I have mourned the loss of Rick, my super funny witty intellectual man that I have loved forever. I am just sad. Frustrated and sad. I feel like such a downer and I miss the good times or some happiness.. People should enjoy their lives while they can because it’s fleeting, and you could miss a lot of good stuff. Any of you could miss a good part of your life. So enjoy the little moments.
I should have laughed more
I should have cried more
I should have watched the sun rise
I should have taken more risks
I should have done what I wanted to do
I should have complained less
I should have worked less
I should have seen the sun set
I should have cared less about the small stuff
I wish that we had traveled more
I wish I would have died instead of living like this